journey
by starlight.moon.princess
Summary: silena, and the five stages of grief -silenabeckendorf


**A/N: The five stages of grief are from the ****Kübler-Ross model, which was hypothesised by Elizabeth ****Kübler-Ross**

* * *

**i. denial**

Percy says Charlie's dead, that he didn't escape the Princess Andromeda before it blew up.

Silena thinks he's lying.

Charlie promised her – he _promised her_ – that he would return, and he has never broken a promise to her yet. She knows he will return, even if no one else believes her when she says that.

Percy and Chiron and her siblings can say all they want, but she knows that Charles Beckendorf isn't dead.

(But then Kronos contacts her, laughing at her misfortune, and reminding her that more people will die if she doesn't help him, and she doesn't have a choice anymore.

Charlie's _dead_, he's _gone_, and Silena's all alone.)

**ii. anger**

She can still feel that last kiss, see that grin, hear his promise to return, and suddenly she's angry.

She's a child of Aphrodite, and definitely not prone to violence often. She stays away from fights as much as she can, tries to break them up, in fact. If she needs retribution for something, there are other ways, ones that don't damage her beauty.

But Charlie's dead, and all the regular rules fly out of the window.

She's angry at the world and the gods for taking him away, angry at Percy for not protecting him, and more than anything, she's angry at Charlie for _dying_ after he promised her – _promised her_ – that he wouldn't. Charlie wasn't allowed to die, and that's what he's gone and done.

They burn his shroud, and she screams her anger out to the world, to Hephaestus for abandoning his son when he needed him the most.

As she screams, a tiny silver scythe charm drops to the floor of her cabin.

**iii. bargaining**

The day after a metal shroud is burnt in Camp Half-Blood, Kronos contacts her once more. He whispers promises to her, like he always has, but this time they're different.

Once upon a time, he promised her that Charlie wouldn't die if she just helped him gain information from inside the camp. Now, he promises her that if she only helps him win, he'll bring Charlie back to her.

There's a part of her that knows he's lying. There's every chance that he'll just kill her if (when) he wins instead of bringing Charlie back to life.

But he tells her to take some time to think, and days pass without Charlie by her side.

She can't live without Charlie. She's always known that, but these last few days just make it worse.

When they march on New York, she can't take it any more. She's lived the last few days without him, and she knows that she cannot do it for the rest of her life.

So she clutches her scythe, murmurs an Ancient Greek word, and appears in front of Kronos.

In the moment she whispers the knowledge that the children of war refuse to fight to the king of the Titans, she doesn't care if it's a long shot – if it means even the _chance_ at having Charlie back, she's willing to try anything.

**iv. depression**

She should feel happy. She should feel thrilled now that she's taken the only course of action that will allow her to get Charlie back.

The last thing she should be doing is thinking about the fact that she's just betrayed some of her closest friends.

But she cannot. The guilt plays on her mind, over and over and _over_, until the only thing that runs through her mind is _betrayertraitorbetrayertraitorbetrayertraitor_ until she wants to rip her hair out and scream.

She's already lost Charlie, and now her own actions may have cost her her friends as well.

The guilt claws at her and eats her up, until she can't sleep without seeing the accusing eyes of people she's known oh so well. The worst dreams are when it's Charlie turning away from her, disgust evident in his every movement.

It doesn't take a genius to notice that something's wrong with her, and she knows that Percy and Annabeth have seen it when she realises they're giving as little to do as possible.

They cannot know the truth about her, she knows that logically. But every time they whisper in secret, throwing not so covert glances at her, she can't help but be terrified that they've discovered her secret.

It's a vicious cycle, designed so that she's constantly on a downward spiral, with no freedom in sight. And then Percy talks about sending someone to talk to the Ares campers, to convince them to join the war, and she knows what she has to do.

She's lost Charlie, and it kills her inside, but she knows that he would never accept her betrayal. She's the one who caused this, and she has to work through her pain and heartbreak.

So even while the memories of the only boy she'll ever love are insistently killing her from the inside, she hops onto a Pegasus and flies back to camp.

**v. acceptance**

Clarisse will not listen to her. She refuses to help the rest of the campers, no matter how much Silena begs and pleads for help.

But even though she refuses to let go of her pride, the daughter of war is still a loyal friend, perhaps even the best friend Silena has ever had. The world could end so very soon, but instead of spending what time she can with Chris – and that's what Silena would do if Charlie were here – Clarisse still takes the time to sit with her, and talk her through her broken heart.

Silena is the daughter of the goddess of love, but somehow, Clarisse manages to give better advice to how to carry on with a broken heart.

They still fight over the issue of going to war, but it's only when Silena uses Charlie's death as a last resort to try and convince Clarisse to fight that she realises what the older girl has unknowingly gifted her with.

It's the first time she's acknowledged the fact that he's gone aloud, and in that moment, she knows that no matter how much it hurts, she'll somehow find a way to go on.

Charlie's dead, and no matter what she does and whom she bargains with, he's not coming back. But she's still alive, and so are her friends, and they're the ones who have to take priority now.

If the children of Ares do not fight, the half-blood army will never be able to win, that much she knows. And she also knows that it's Clarisse's pride that's holding them back – her siblings are ready and eager to fight, but they will not disobey her directions.

Silena has no choice. The gods must endure – Kronos **cannot** be allowed to win. In her heart, she knows how this will turn out. She has been taught to learn from history, and Patroclus is proof of the fact that nothing good will come off this for her.

But just as it turned the direction of the Trojan War back in the favour of the Greeks, this might just help them win the war against the Titans.

So she watches and she waits – soon enough, Clarisse will turn her attention away from her cabin, and Silena will be to strike.

She knows better than anyone that she's messed up dreadfully, but it's time for her to accept it, and move past it – she knows that Charlie would be proud of her.

* * *

**I hope you guys liked it! As always, please don't forget to drop a review on the way out :)**


End file.
